My Perfect World!

“Tee Tee Ti ti” “Tee Tee Ti ti”

The alarming alarm clock never fails to wake me up as early as possible. Gosh!!! I had just slipped into my blanket and it is already time to get up. With half closed eyes I opened my bedroom’s French doors to a slightly cloudy, chilly and a strange lush green morning. Wow! What a view. I told myself- “Well! It has been one of the best decisions to pick this house”. And just when I was enveloping myself into the beautiful morning, reality struck me. Oh! Quickly I ran the long checklist in my mind:

1.       Set the grocery list

2.       Get the clothes from the laundry

3.       Diwali dusting and cleaning

4.       Fix the electricity gas bills

5.       Talk to the maid to do some extra work (Have to do the buttering you know!!! She is the actual boss…haha! Never mind)

6.       Finish the registration for the society

7.       Call the electrician and plumber (Few things keep slipping down in the list!)

8.       Make the presentation for tomorrow’s client presentation

9.       Order paneer and cream, have to add it to the grocery list (My husband wants to have his favorite Mutter paneer)

Oh my God so much to do. Apart from this list I have to rush to office and be my “best self” too.  Did God miss out on giving me a few more hands when he was designing my life? Just rolled my hair up and started to wheel on my toes. Just when I was folding my side of the bed I saw my husband sleeping like a baby, to the glory with his blanket ad his favorite pillow. Ahh! Anyway.

I planned my day perfectly, so that I didn’t miss out on anything. Then I remembered it is Sheela Mashi’s birthday.

“Tring Tring” “Tring Tring”

“Hi Mashi, Happy Birthday”

“So late beta, I was expecting your call long back”. Well it is 7:00am in the morning!!!

“I am so sorry, was little caught up. So what’s the plan?”

And the call continued with me preparing the breakfast and getting our lunch boxes ready with my other hand. My husband slowly got up with his cute smile, kissed me on my cheek and conveniently landed on the bean bag with his daily newspaper. And then both of us got ready in jet speed, sat in our cars and off to work.

“Sorry Sorry Sorry” I rushed in to the Morning meeting with glaring eyes on me to have been 5 minutes and one coffee round late. I wanted to explain how difficult a woman’s mornings are, but then I ignored explaining it to a room full of men who just know how to pick their lunch boxes, have stomach full breakfast and come sit on their comfortable reclining chairs.

I started with my review slides, it went well. Sigh!!! The day rolled like a song in fast forward mode.

We had to go to my in-laws house that evening for dinner and discussions for the upcoming wedding in the family. My husband had already reached, as I could hear the piles of laughter and loud discussions right from the parking. I smiled!

As I entered, my sister-in-law gave me a broad smile and hugged with the customary greetings. And there was my gorgeous MIL in her shimmer pink saree. “Come beta, go get some water, must be tired”. I took out a chilling water bottle from the fridge. By now, she knows a few things about me. Like how I  like my water cold, food really hot and my beloved independence. Though there has not been a consensus between us, but we are a happy family.

 I could sense a few scanning looks as I was dressed in a skirt and a blouse. Oh c’mon I can’t go to the office in those misfit flowery Salwar suits. Anyway, I sat together with the family and we discussed and planned Bitu Mama’s daughter’s wedding in December. After all the travel plans, the gifts, etc; Mummy ji called me inside the kitchen to help her serve dinner. She started making Mutter Paneer quickly as it is her son’s favourite dish.  My calculative mind kept on analysing the expiry date on the paneer packet I bought in the morning to make “mutter paneer”.

“Beta just cut the paneer into big slices”

“Sure mummy ji”

“Simran (My sister-in-law), please help me with the kajus, bhabhi doesn’t know how to do it 

What!!! Why would I not know how to cut Kajus?

 Anyway I just let go of it and finished cutting the paneer and sat with my father-in-law to discuss his investments. He trusts me with all his investments, perks of being an investment banker you see!!! I could hear giggles from the kitchen about me, but I kept my smile intact, as according to Indian family rules (God knows according to which rule book!), you should always have a pleasant smile, keep everyone happy and don’t forget- You have to be perfect!

We had dinner and rushed to the parking to leave for home. My husband asked me to drop my car there itself so that we went together. I jumped into his car, thank God no driving after such a tiring day at least!.

He turned on the radio and there was my favourite song- “Bahoon ki darmiyan”…He knew it is one of my favourites, he reached out to my hand and increased the volume of the stereo, and we drove through the empty dim lit street (an hour ride back home, and it was already 12:30 am, a busy day next day already waiting!) Thanks to the late night radio stations, it kept playing some amazing 90s classics.

Suddenly he said- “I know you didn’t like a few things that happened today (He meant at his parent’s place), He clasped my hand and said- “I don’t know how you manage everything so well with a smile, Thank you”

I smiled. I know he cares.

 I looked out of the window and went back to a flash back, when we were in college and romance was always in the air. Then we got married, accepted all ups and downs and slowly romance got replaced partially with responsibilities and daily chores. I think that’s how life is. Noting fades, it just keeps changing seats.

Next day, again started with the cruel alarm clock and the day’s clock started ticking with my husband rolled inside the blanket and me running around our beautiful house to tick my checklist. But today I am very happy. I am going to my parents’ house after a long time for a night stay.

I was waiting for the clock to strike 6 in the evening so that I just jumped into my car and reached my parents for a relaxed time.

“Welcomeeeeeeee” stood my dad with open arms. I just dropped my bag and hugged him as tight as possible. And there stood my emotional hema malini, always ready with her tear glands ready, irrespective of any occasion. My angel mom- emotional and always wearing that beautiful charming smile. She was ready with my favourite Chocó shake with the right amount of coco powder and cream.

 I looked at her and asked- “How do you manage everything with a smile, your work, house, a very demanding husband and every little and big things in life. How do you do everything so swiftly? I am struggling everyday to manage and keep everything ready”. I was on the verge of crying. Last few days have been a bit stressful both at home and office.

She clasped my hand and in a fraction of a second tears just rolled on my cheeks. She didn’t wipe it for me.

She said- “Trust me puchu (my nickname, I know it sounds funny for a 32 year old), I was exactly like you at your age Always on my toes, trying to be perfect all the time, keeping everyone happy. I think I was more stressed than you as we had a joint family then. Then One day I realised, what have I done to myself? I am just running behind nothingness. Which report card am I aiming at? That day I dropped all inhibitions and decided to “Let go”. Nothing stopped, nothing has stopped even today, but I relaxed myself by letting go of a few things”

As I wiped my tears. She continued- “It is ok if you don’t cook a 5 course meal every day. Sometimes it is fun to hop into a restaurant. It is ok if you cannot find your husband’s papers in the cupboard; he’ll learn to keep his things by himself. It is ok if you didn’t keep the house spick and span every day, why have you kept a maid? And my dear, it is really ok to have slight tiffs with in-laws, they and you are of different generations, gaps are inevitable my dear”. We are your parents; they are your parents-in laws. You will always be my priority baby. They love you and will always love you, but don’t expect or compare. It is unfair for both.

I looked at her with open eyes. Dumbstruck. She could read my mind and taught me life lessons with such fluidity.

My father entered the room with three glasses of sparkling white wine. And he looked at us and asked- What’s the matter ladies?

We burst out into a big laugh and he smiled and sat with us. We spent the evening talking about the new government, bits and pieces of family gossip and things of very less importance.

Next day was a Sunday, I drove back home to my husband who was ready with an awesome American breakfast for us with a set table, surprisingly! He sometimes surprises me with his little ways. Though this happens once in a blue moon, but still refreshes me every time. We were having a great time discussing how fun it was with mamma and papa yesterday and how papa tripped just after a glass of wine and, THUD!, he dropped the bread spread bottle, and gave me a mischievous look and said-“Sorry babe” .

I just smiled at him and said-“It is ok, we’ll clean it later”. And continued with my stories. I know he was shocked with my reaction, because he knew it is a big deal for me as I left the floor dirty deliberately, unlikely me.

 Well!.

But we continued with our chit chat. He then continued with his trip story with mummy ji and papa ji. He explained how my MIL was praising me in front of Bitu mama and Mami of how confident and independent I am. And I smiled.

All these years I tried to build a perfect home, with a perfect me and lately realized

Home isn’t a place, home is a feeling.

That day I decided to let go. It took me some time to get accustomed, but this little step led me to a more loving, complete and a beautiful life full of imperfections.

Background Music

A few moments in life need a background music, like in the movies…

Life moves ahead through many corners of phases with highs and lows, strikes of pain, spark of happiness and loss of fine emotions.

It seems like yesterday when I used to sit on my dad’s shoulders and he used to take me around everywhere, tirelessly, with a broad smile and a sense of pride. How me and my sister used to spend hours together just laughing at many nothingness, sharing every bit of what was going on. And how I used to cuddle inside my mom and just listen to whatever she used to tell. Life used to be so simple. I still remember how small emotions used to matter the world. I can’t forget how me and my sister used to nurture a belief that Santa clause will come and put a gift in our socks which were hidden under our pillows, and then one fine day we realized it was our dad who kept that emotion alive by being our Santa clause. I was so upset then that there was no actual Santa clause dressed in red and white. My god!!! I created such a scene…hhpphh!!!. But my sister as usual, gracefully smiled at it. Now I realize, how true that emotion was, is and shall always be. My parents have always been that magician Santa Clause who have always granted each and every wish that came out of our hearts (loud or silent!), be it a small chocolate or the first gadget in fashion, be it my favorite little black dress as I grew up or getting me married to the love of my life. Yes! There was background music. Sometimes the violins played, many times the trumpet and yes there were flutes too.

Today, life is different, quite different. But my constants are still there with me steady, silent and strong. Life takes surprisingly different turns and we skip a few emotions. I keep grumbling, I wish I was a child again, life would have been so simple. There wouldn’t have been any competition pressure, I would have been free from balancing stunts and relaxed like a flapping bird in the clear blue sky. Few days back I asked my mom, why did I have to grow up and leave all my favorite emotions behind and lead a stressful life now? Why did I have to leave my home? Can’t I go back to the little bird I used to be? Can’t I be a child again? Can’t I just stay protected in your shell forever?

She replied- My baby! Your blue sky will always be yours, no one can ever snatch it away from you. Your emotions are with you, they cannot leave you and go away. It is just that few things have taken a backseat and few new emotions have evolved and have taken different positions in the priority list. And that’s life. I was still not convinced. I hugged her and I said, I wish time just stopped.

She hugged me back and said- We are always with you, just like how the wings protect a bird, you will always be protected, you will always stay warm under our wings. We won’t let any storm touch your tender dreams. Look! If time had stopped, then how would you have reached your dreams? If time had stopped, how would you have met the love of your life, who has shown you a dream world of love?

There was background music again…

She continued- that’s the way of life. A beautiful sweet n sour soup, which has tastemakers of fun, challenge, love, pain and many other emotions mixed in it. Swirl with the flow and enjoy it.

Though I kept on rumbling, I was smiling again because I realized, Stars are always there in the sky as bright as ever, it is just that sometimes they get hidden behind the clouds. But they never forget their imprint, their brightness and their promise!

And, there was background music again, quite loud and clear with a musical muse on a sailing cruise…

Aham ‘Brahma’smi

The scent of sandalwood and jasmine enticed me,

The happiness on their faces lured me,

The allegiance of hues and fire embraced me,

This is how I used to survive and showed my might to me.

I am endowed with glitters and scintillation

There is fame, fire and sensation

There are cymbals, drums, flutes and the plunged nation

I got melted and embraced all, seeing the venerated devotion

Hush…What did I see?

He snatched away my adornments, didn’t leave the jasmine too

Look! He took away my food for outlander for riches, what will I have?

He came masked and left me without my soul, how will I live?

He called himself my family, but separated me from my children

He has the currencies to sleep on, what will my child on the road do?

He fiddled with hearts and souls of my children, didn’t even leave me

But, yes I forgive you, that’s the penalty you have to pay

I am stretched, and left blank with tears of mire!

Will my loved ones come home to see me again, and call me dear!

Will they again fight with me, confide in me, share with me their fear!

Will they call me again their own, and show me the care and adore!

I am not confined to a trunk of a tree,

My soul, my children and my being is as the wide sky, immensely free,

I have the flaccid string in my hand; the wheel is yet to roll,

You will get your piece of pyre, but not at the cost of my child’s tear

My soul is neither a piece of stone, nor a trail of soft drape

My soul is neither the petal flower created by me

Nor it is the air and the water created by me

My soul is in my children, cannot be filched from within, you see!

…you fought against me and for me, but never realized I was there right inside you, indefinable, unsalable and unimaginable

“Aham Brahmasmi” “Aham Brahmasmi” “Aham Brahmasmi”

My Land of Peace!

“And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.”
―from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran

…and I slowly opened my eyes to a wide teal-ish vivid undimmed sky, which seemed to have come closer to me just to greet and entwine its fanciful hands to wrap me into its serenity and poetic clinch. I hardly realized that I was bare foot, lying on bare flabby pricky patch of grass; with my long locks lying on the ground and my torso away from its being. I saw that multi-hued butterfly seamlessly fly above my face, trying to tease me, play with me or just trying to give me company in this bare pleasant burnished part of the day. I couldn’t miss those rare little birds chirp, trying to create a melody and articulating a flairy jinx. The same butterfly got confused with the floral print of my frock and started playing with it thinking that it’s her favorite flower. And then suddenly withdrawing thinking I don’t know what, but again getting drawn into the newness of the same artificial favorite flowery frock.

I was there after a long gap of a lifetime. It felt as fresh as a splash of ice cold water on a sunny sandy land. It felt like heaven…oh no like paradise…umm no…like a godlike place…no…I can’t delineate how it felt to be amongst the silent crowd of the soundless strain of lyrical tune. I walked towards the spring of the glittery shiny stream. I stretched my legs and sat on the soft patch to live through the cold tune of the wavy dancing waves.  Slowly tilted myself towards the lazy stream and ran through my fingers and played with the water. Just as I did that, witnessed the most beautiful picturesque visual brownie. The still wavy lyrical stream danced in a single plain beautiful string with the reflection of the maple tree on the propelling move.

Suddenly my attention was captured by the mustard patch which my vision got tired of looking at the end or the edge. It was huge, as huge as the open sky exposing a plethora of varicolored hues, windy euphony, sparkly splashes and what not. I ran my floral scarf through the mustard lyrics and saw a beautiful sun shine with lot of pride. I was happily tired expressing, witnessing and feeling amazed by the beauty and I lied down on the heap of harvested mustard. Thud! I lied down and saw a few chirpy minute birds fly away, they laughed and they were shy. I smiled back too. I shared my secrets with the tickling wind and the wind did reply in its own flair. We laughed and it echoed, we shared and it got reflected, altogether a mesmerizing painting splashed with the colors of all emotions portrayed.

…and as my thirst got quenched I closed my eyes again.

“Where shall you seek beauty, and how shall you find her unless she herself be your way and your guide?
And how shall you speak of her except she be the weaver of your speech?
The aggrieved and the injured say, 'Beauty is kind and gentle.
Like a young mother half-shy of her own glory she walks among us.'
And the passionate say, 'Nay, beauty is a thing of might and dread.
Like the tempest she shakes the earth beneath us and the sky above us”- Khalil Gibran

Do you know!

Do You Know!

Do you know…I am already dressed in my shimmery trail of flow,

I am already adorned with the gold and shine, tip to toe.

My mother just put the red glittery shine vale on my head,

Shyly I stole my eyes away and couldn’t raise my eyes till the shed.

Do you know…My mother’s tears fell on the shimmer of my trail, I could see,

And I tried to search for it, to keep it safe in my treasure because she is the most precious for me.

But soon it got disappeared ‘coz my mother hid her tears behind her charming smile,

I know she is happy because it’s you, but still you are taking me away from her, far a mile.

Do you know…My father himself slid those bangles into my slender wrist, he wanted to do it.

I controlled my emotions when he did that, but he couldn’t and it tore my heart apart, but I hid,

He took me into his arms and wanted not to leave me away, never, ever, just like a small kid.

But then even he gathered himself and brought back that captivating smile and majesticness.

Do you know…My best friend, my soul mate, My Sister came running with my favorite teddy to pack,

She didn’t cry, but was happily upset to let go off me with you on a different track.

She has always been the strongest pillar, always right, inviolable, and as soft as a bird’s murmur,

She gave all the strength to all of us, but I was worried who will give the strength to her,

The pundit asked us to go to the holy place for the union wedlock,

And I thought as if I was choked right there and there was both a push and a pull, at the tick of the clock.

As my parents held my sides and took me there, I had a brain freeze and a numb feet,

A gush of emotions and a memoir of life swept away the feel of the moment, and was there to greet.

Grew up sitting on my father’s shoulders, shared my mother’s laugh,

I couldn’t understand the feeling of my crying heart, saw my heart tear into two half.

Asked God why he designed the world this way,

He answered, Oh my child! I did it so that you hold everything and not let anything to sway

Life is strange, a girl while tying the knot, has hundreds of thoughts swirling in her head, while she leaves behind her life, her freedom, her room, her curtains, her teddy, her smell and her name too. Finding a son for her parents is difficult, but lucky are they who find sons who stand by and let her stand by too. Do you know…You have to remember this and respect, because even I will remember and respect. A balance meant for life…because it’s very difficult for the girl, who steps out and craves to get back in.

Love Enchanting!

...an engulfing smile with an ocean like pair of eyes,

You held me with your strong arms and truth of life sans lies.

Surprised me with your ever surprising way of making me smile,

Always caressed me and helped me walk an extra mile

...I live for your smile.

...your enchanting princely attire of love,

You spread hues of happiness in pink red and mauve.

How can you be...are you real?

Or you are surreal!

...I live to feel you...breeze breathe.

...you laughed aloud, so majestic and infectious like the bee,

I felt like cuddling myself in to you, or with you to flee or silently glee.

Every time your eyes sparkle with joy of my love and shine,

I smile an extra time, coz I call myself yours and you realise you to be mine!

...I live to see you happy...smile!

...you held my hand and touched my soul, you said it's a vow!

Every time you speak the hundred words in your silent smile,

Your love makes me thank and bow!

I feel the luckiest one and the chosen star that God gifted me you

...I live to pray every single day for you

...every bit of emotion and every tinch of love you've gifted me,

Togetherness that you have entwined me with

Every single day with you is our 'day of love' 

Hold me forever, never to stay apart

...I live to love you and be a part of you

...hamesha forever!!!

There came a strong gust of wind, brought along wet wings,

Stood still we both hands clutched, took away the heart that sings.

Strange was the blue sky, so blue was it!

There was red, but not a single cut, scar or slit.

Found a safe branch shade just to hide,

No time I took to just slide.

As I kept my head on him,

I could clearly listen both our hearts beat aloud on the brim.

The silent silence could engulf the violent violence,

Our naïve timid hearts were mum without any sense.

The sudden thud had shaken us, but not our hearts,

Had distanced our touch, but definitely not our hearts.

I lifted my eyes just to see the storm outside and if my love was fine,

Tears rolled down when I saw the storm inside him hidden by his enchanting smile like the red wine.

Seized him tight into my soul, I reassured.

But in return he held like a strong pillar of love and in return he himself assured.

I was surprised with the strength that my love showed and held my hand never to let go,

That helped me pull up and found a way for both not to be low.

Happy days are here, and much happier days are yet to come is what he said,

I took a long breath and we both smiled and were proud of the romanticized aid.

Life uplifted us to the next stage of the movie,

Time will come soon, turning I Me into We.

Secured, guaranteed and plugged together the theme of life,

Days of happiness and smile will dance around after a little bit of strife

The Silent Rain!!!

…and we sat with drenched feet

Beautiful indeed an emotion silent and calm, yet blasted with a flush of happiness,

Sat together sharing the air and the soil, love and smiles were no less,

Embraced us the lint and shine of the dancing clouds, could see the redness even in the haze,

Beautified the drops of love, smiling red sky and the swaying trees, felt like a gift wrap with a white lace

…and we were still there with drenched feet

Bright were my round eyes, and so were his hazel shine,

Silently he placed his eyes on me and with no words claimed to be mine,

Though the dark sky had overpowered the space, but his bright scintillating shine lit the whole place,

I was stuck to the place and so was his gaze

…and we sat with drenched feet

Thunder roared around the open space, leaped around and stood to corner like a scared rabbit was I,

Instantly came my prince with a shining armor and saved me from the nature’s roar, and left me too shy,

Both shared the cool wind and the silent moment, had to say, but I hated that our hearts had to lie

But it was conveyed and both sat down again with a lit heart and just wished to fly, very high

…and we again sat with drenched feet
It was the drizzle that danced to faster beats and the drops flowing down from the roof to wet our feet,

There was a sync rhythm that our hearts played and the water sang that dropped from the roof,

There was the wet verandah, a silent thought and the heavy rain to greet,

Moment was making us high, and never had the intension to bid an auf.

…and we were still sitting with drenched feet

My dupatta danced to the tune of the sway and wetted it with the water on the verandah stairs,

He took a relaxed stretch aback and kept the gaze at me affixed which took me to different world of flairs

There were our fingers entwined and the eyes did all the speaking,

I wished to go dumb and keep listening to his heartbeat to be in the moment forever, hearing

…oh yes! We were still sitting with drenched feet

He has a different flair of trapping just with his infectious smile,

It gives me the strength to go ahead on a tired day for an extra mile,

He is a gift of God wrapped with the shiny lace,

I am just so entwined with him, in his blaze

…and we sat with drenched feet

Thud! The lamp shed on the rack lit the brightest spark into our life track,

We still couldn’t understand whether the spark was lit in our hearts or just on the rack

Hand in hand we took the step ahead, not to turn back, safely placed my head on his shoulder like a silken sheet,

And now we were actually drenched in love and in rain, walked on the same path our drenched feet